The Sixteen Talk commandments
(The obvious ambiguities of social interactions)
Believe it or not, this concept of understanding that is the fabric of these points came to me during a suicide prevention class. In this class, they teach you various points to look for when a person has thoughts and one of the points was the “Invitation.” Basically, it’s the point that someone makes to invite you into their situation to save them. It may be the call, the text, the signs before the act of giving away their items but all in all, it’s their little obvious ambiguous way of asking for help and trying to get your attention somehow. It was this concept of “inviting” someone that got me thinking about how we all do small things obvious yet ambiguous things during interactions. Sometimes they are clearer than others but when it comes to relationships between opposing forces there is this gray area that I hope becomes a little bit clearer after reading this!
- Deal with your daddy issues
We all have them. Rather he was there or not, Good or bad, either way, his existence left a lasting impression on your development. Regardless of how you view “men” a man was a necessary and intricate part of your very being. Find out where the disconnect is, acknowledge that one exists, and begin the healing process. There is no double standard here. Men are just as affected if not more by the presence of a strong male figure retrospectively. This man teaches them how to treat their mate and demonstrates to their daughters how they should be treated. A missing father leaves a missing piece creating a void we all try to fill with stuff. If you had a healthy family system that consisted of a great dad, you’re in trouble too because that example has not prepared you for the man or woman you will most likely encounter. But the trick is knowing that understanding that, and learning in it.
2.Mutually beneficial relationships
(you do for me and I do for you)
In nature, there is this thing called symbiotic and parasitic relationships. In one, the parties work together supplying each other with the means to an end while the other uses the other as their means to their end. Understanding people’s motives are to understand how they move. There are very few people and honestly, I can’t say I have realistically come across any person, that doesn’t want something from you and vise versus. It may be as simple as conversation, time, but non-the less it’s something. Understand the laws of physics, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; every interaction yields a response, some positive and some negative. The quicker you acknowledge that the better off you will be at discerning your relationships and saving yourself from wasting the time of persons that mean you no good. Once you determine your need and theirs, the quicker you can establish the nature of your interactions and rather or not it will be worth it in the end.
- Men are not seekers
Know this and understand this. Men do like a good chase but they are only chasing after the things they want. So, if that man gives you an off the wall comment such as “I use those same hand towels at home,” game on. He’s basically trying to figure out a way to connect with you and the only way he could was with some lame seemingly off the wall comment that would connect what you’re doing, in that moment (that makes is super personalized so there is no assuming he wasn’t talking to you) to something he does, connecting it back to him. Of course, some do ask some legitimate questions but you must be smart enough to discern that with his body language (I’ll get into that another time).
- A man picks a woman
I know that’s a hard pill to swallow and however, you term or classify the man in your relationship, they pick you! If they don’t then you’re not the one. Men are more inclined to take value, ownership, care, and be more considerate of the things they have chosen. They are basic so it doesn’t take much to get their attention and keep it if you’re what they like. Once he has done that it then becomes his duty to whoa the lady into submission and most will do this without hesitation and by any means necessary. It’s like putting upgrades on his car. If you make suggestions and tell him and or he feels as if he was forced into some aspects, you best believe it won’t take long before he’s trading you in for the version of his chosen. You were never the commodity but an amenity. Even if he doesn’t choose you initially before it’s said and done he will essentially, in the end, make the final choice to choose to stay or go.
- Taking people for granted
STOP!!!! If you are in a relationship with a significant other that you care for and respect in any regards, stop taking them for granted period point blank. Stop doing things to them because they let you. Stop assuming they will always be there. Everyone has a limit and everyone eventually gets there. Do you want the demise of your relationship to be left in the fate of your own ego?
- People are who they show you they are
There’s something in psychology that eludes to a front-stage self and a back-stage self or a person’s representative. These are concepts meaning that people act differently according to the place, time, and person involved, although I am not totally disagreeing with that, I am disagreeing that those early warning signs aren’t present well enough in advance to save you unnecessary issues if you know what you’re looking for. If you met them and they looked dirty (outside of obvious reasons, they work a dirty job or homeless) then they are dirty! If they weren’t opening doors when you met them, they probably won’t magically start opening them just because they met you. If he/she is dressed in the full nine at the grocery store more than likely that’s how they dress every day all the time same as if they are frumpy. So, if you’ve seen these things and you continued in the forward directions then it would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for disappointment if these are requirements or standards you have but your mate does not.
- Do not accommodate or sacrifice
For me, my operational definition of accommodations and sacrificing in life equates to me giving up a part of me totally solely for the benefit of someone or something other than myself. NO, NO, NO!! If you do that you are headed for destruction, you hadn’t had a chance when you left out of the gate. All those roads lead to resentment and eventually, you despise the other person, to no fault of their own. Think about after years of dedications and commitment you slowly chip away at yourself to increase the comfort of your mate until you have nothing of yourself left and you look in the mirror and you no longer no the person staring back at you. Find someone that is worth compromising for where you and they can meet in the middle and find a happy medium where both parties agree that the decision is solely based off the betterment of all parties involved in the situation and everyone will win, even if you don’t agree.
- Men and woman aren’t different
We all have feelings, don’t like to be hurt, and try not to be vulnerable at any cost. But when we find our helpmate we both let our guards down, have the innate desire to ensure our mate is happy because their happiness is ours, and yes, we will make the necessary compromises for the right person because we understand that the success of our relationship depends on this and is worth to us. The fear of rejection is just as great and deafening on either side and in the end, we both just want our mate to be supportive, encouraging, and demonstrate unconditional love towards us and that equates to accepting us the way we are.
- Respect is reciprocal, not rhetorical
The most sought out after the foundation of progress is respect. Everyone has their line drawn in the sand regarding everything; politics, sex, religion, child rearing, down to colors. Acknowledge that, respect that, and allow them to have their own opinions about ideal’s and respectfully disagree. I found that the issue most people have is that “I have my opinion” and although you have yours “yours doesn’t matter. We all have to be and need to be cognizant of the fact that the world is made up of millions of people, therefore, millions of opinions. My dad once told me “an opinion is like an asshole; everyone has one” and much like assholes some opinions may be full of shit. Part of our responsibility to ourselves and the progression of society is to be aware of that and just as understanding.
- Be Demanding
Yes, I said it! Be demanding in your life. Let people know up front what you want out of your relationship’s (not just romantically). If you have those discussions early on and you are entertaining persons that are subpar, well you have kind of set yourself up for the okie doke. You shouldn’t apply for the job you don’t want just to get in the door (you may get stuck there) and it sends a message that you feel that’s all you can do at this point. Shoot for the stars and even if you miss, it sends the message that you have ambition and you want more even if you can’t have it now. If you desire to be married or have kids, who want to look up five years later in a relationship and realize their mate never had any intentions on getting married nor did they desire to have kids. Have these discussions early on, that way you know everyone is on the same page. For goodness sake, just because you talk about wanting to get married early on doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to marry that dude you just met tonight! But it would be comforting to know if you all have the same end game.
- Introduce yourself to your alter ego
We all have one. That person or entity that possesses all the qualities we are enamored by and long to be and desperately wish to ascertain in certain situations in our life. Have you ever wondered why those childhood comic books were able to reel us in and for many continue to keep us captivated into early and late adulthood? Some may argue that “once an adult it’s time put away those childish things away” but for reason, we just can’t! I think the reason is, those comic book heroes are very much a representative of ourselves and all things we desire to be. Introduce yourself to your own, figure out why that thing is so captivating to you, and start living it. No, I don’t mean start dressing, eating, sleeping, as your alter ego but start embodying those characteristics that make that “thing” so intoxicating. I assure you once you start living it you will start feeling it and others feel it in your body language as well.
- Platanomy doesn’t exist
Men and women exist to procreate period! The sooner you recognize our sole purpose the sooner you can eradicate that ancient ideology of platonomy. You must know and understand that it only exists because one member of the opposing party for whatever reason has no interest in the other party thereby indirectly creating the platonic relationship. So, girls and boys, rather you like girls or boys, know that they like you and they are interacting with you solely on the basis that they like you. Now rather or not those feelings are out-right reciprocated is left to be determined by the individual with the upper hand. So, if your man/woman has a bestie of the opposing sexually interested party rest assured they were left in the friend zone, not by their own accord. Now don’t go out there, blaming and accusing your mate of cheating or projecting your insecurities about your relationship or yourself on them because of this, but understand if they respect your relationship and they have made it undeniably clear where they stand, these relationships should not become problematic.
- The difference between knowing your value vs being validated
I’m a member of a certain facebook group that showcases men on your feed in record numbers daily. It was amusing for a time but then I began to notice a theme, one much like the one woman has been plagued with for a lifetime. Men, thousands of them, begging socially anonymous women for likes, hellos, and birthday wishes. Teasing and coaxing them with more if they liked, poked, or waved. That’s when I realized that as superficially attractive these men where they were desperately seeking validation just like women do. Do you know how difficult it is to take a selfie let alone a candid or the new terminology is plandid? I’ve tried. That shit is hard. These people look like they have camera crews around them 24-7 catching them right at the right moment with full body shots, perfect hair, and smiles cascading down your feed. I mean these are some damn good-looking people but unfortunately, our self-worth has been trivialized down to a “like.” Then I thought where is the value in that? If you something has value it means something not only to others but more importantly to self. The person to whom the item is of value. If we looked at ourselves with that same level of admiration and internalized that validation into value we wouldn’t need to be validated. Appreciate you!
- Be able to argue
What is a conversation but the meeting of the minds after a good ol’ fashion rhetorical debate! Please understand the quickest way to kill a relationship and end up in Quitsville is not being able to argue. Arguing is healthy whereas I’d be more concerned with the partner that was always agreeing. Keep your head in the game. Nothing shows your mate that your more closed off, not willing to compromise, and don’t care then a person that checks out during an argument. However, you do it, just don’t do it. Don’t hang up, don’t walk away, don’t check out, and the worse of the worse don’t give in. Challenge your mates thought process but in the process, be open to new ideas yourself. Review what active listening and attending skills are and how they influence the outcome of just about every situation. An argument brims from a misunderstanding and the other persons incapacity to see past their mate to see the character flaw in themselves. After all a complaint is simply a reminder of our in inadequacies to fulfill the needs of someone else but we’re to self-absorbed to see that? Instead take this as an opportunity to grow and develop yourself into a better you for them or perhaps the next.
- Stop complaining
Once you enter into an agreement typically all the terms are discussed and agreed upon by both parties before the ink dries. Once the contract is reviewed and the expectations of each party has been identified in retrospect to their position within the agreement and a clause is added the allows each person to vacate or abandon the agreed upon contract if either party fails to fulfill their obligations; that finishes the deal. Now I’m not a contract lawyer and I’m sure there are a lot of “and/ors” within the agreements as well as “thous and shalts,” the point is most of us go into relationships knowing before hand what we are getting, so in the event you knowingly date someone with insecurities, a wondering eye, or sticky hands, you can’t very well complain once they project these deficits or direct their misguided judgments onto you or pour this misfortune into your relationship. Now I’m not saying you can’t get out of it or that you have to stay in it but I am saying however if you know in advance or even find out during the process and you choose to stay, you have given up your god given right to complain to them about anything they are doing that they’ve been doing since day one. I mean really who’s the bigger idiot? The idiot that marries the idiot knowing that he/she was an idiot before they said “I do,” or the idiot they married?