oh Me oh My!

The very first statement on this page is “this is your very first post” but hopefully not my last.  I am a mother, a daughter, a sister, a licensed clinician, a celebrated author (in my mind), a philanthropist minus the generous monetary donations (yet), a victim, a survivor, a provider of services, and a receiver of services, at one time or another.  I am you and you are me.  I intend to use this page as my platform to liberally express my perspectives and hopefully invoke painful conversations that are often thought of but not spoken of, challenge status quos, and systemic oppressive viewpoints shared but not readily expressed in a an effort to create dialogue amongst the masses that desire to  have a voice.  I hope to be encouraging, to encourage, to be liberated, as well as liberate myself with my words and thoughts that will hopefully help cultivate growth and development. I intend to use this new found liberation to share varying perspectives, personal writings, and knowledge.  I am a social worker by trade and I have a passion and a personal investment in the state of our mental health.  The overall well being and cultivated perspectives of our realities that have been engrained in the very fabric of our existing. 

My opinion’s will be rooted in secular and/or spiritual context and may not be that of yours but it may very well be that of someone else’s; let us have that and respectfully agree to disagree.  I welcome you to join in on the conversation and join me as I embark on this new journey and in the words of Dr. Seuss, “oh the places you’ll go!”

 

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5th Commandment; your expectation is not their obligation

I was aware that when i posted the commandments the 5th was missing.  I had every intention on correcting it before i submitted but for some reason i slipped my mind and was brought to my attention again by a dear friend again with my wholehearted intention to correct it, but  for some reason i didn’t and tonight realized why….

5. Your expectation is not their obligation here’s why… just because you have contrived this idea about your ideal relationship, which we all should have, lets be very very clear that your dream may not be that of your current mates or even that of your potential partners.  No one under any circumstance is mandated by some imaginary binary agreement that obligates them to a universal subset of rules that says, “I shall not cheat.” These understandings are developed within the relationship based on each persons individual understanding of what they need and what their partner is requesting.  Your expectations are merely  suggestions of what is needed for you to have your partner to do to make you happy and vice versa! If you have your demands or nonnegotiable’s outlined for your sanity have the understanding that the other person in the relationship may have theirs as well and that by no means is neither person contractually obligated to fulfill those needs.   There is nothing that says, “I HAVE to do this…” it may be a nice sentiment if i do and a testimony to my commitment and it may even be a necessary for you but that does not mean that it HAS to be for me!! KNOW THAT!!!

responsibility

Responsibility

 

It’s not that I’m neglecting you

I’m just ensuring that I’m not over feeding you

It’s my duty to protect, support, and believe in you

But not my responsibility to give everything to you

In doing that I’m not being fair to you

I’m actually doing more harm and enabling you

And not teaching and/or preparing you

But instead I’m stifling and suffocating you

From being the very best and productive you

And instead creating a self-fulfilling entitlement you

Whom walks with his hands out stretched you

That feels he doesn’t have to work for it you

And never really tries for it or anything you

That gives up in a minute you

And when he doesn’t get his immediate needs met you

He walks away without a second thought you

Without thinking about anyone else but you

It’s my job and responsibility to feed you

Provide you with emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual fruit

To make sure you have what you need and maybe some of what you want, that’s my responsibility to do

But in that, you have to give something to

You have to show me that you want it just as much as I do… if not more to

You have to do more then what is asked of you to

Put forth more effort then what is called of you to

That may mean you might have study and/or work long nights to

To get done what you didn’t the day before to

You may have to reach a little higher to

Be a bit more stronger to

To get passed the next level that was my responsibility to get you to

Then when you get there

It now becomes you’re responsibility to

 

 

 

 

 

5/11/17

 

they Quit and didn’t Know it…

I had a conversation with a close friend regarding a, well we’ll call it a slight disagreement between them and their significant other and lord I hope they forgive me for this, they quit before they knew it.  To make a long story short, their partner was damaged goods, as we all are, and their biggest fear was abandonment.  They had already faced this fear once in the relationship that left their situation severely crippled unbeknownst to them how badly.  Well fast forward a couple years, they managed to stay together not necessarily resolving the once deep-seated issues but merely bandaging them and managing to move on because there was much more at stake.  Well, they get into a “disagreement” in a shared space and one party is put out of the shared bedroom and went.  Big mistake, big big big mistake.  You never concede when you are in the presence of dominance when you are supposed to be acting in that role, more so, never concede in shared space.  The minute you do that you have given up the control of yourself.  You appear weakened and unworthy of respect.  If you were two animals fighting for rights, they would have just lost and the other animal just made off with their prey or pissed all over their yard.  This is more important in speaking in terms of classic gender roles and beliefs.  If the man is viewed as the leader, “head of the house,” “provider,” or whatever or however you reference this individual, this title garners a certain level of respect retrospectively.  That is why you need you to have to be able to argue.  If anything agrees to disagree, stay in yall’s bed, in yall’s room, in yall’s house that will send a clearer message then leaving.  When you walk away, sleep downstairs, or hang up, you give up.  You give up on trying, you give up wanting to understand, or even caring enough to do so.  It’s better to sit there and stare at each other until one blinks than to be dismissive by closing your body language off to the other person.

Talking points

Hello everyone, I know its been a while but for good reasons that i wont get into at this moment.  What i wanted to share was the reason why i went ahead and posted all my commandments or talking points.  I’ve been having lengthy conversations with a male co-worker about the woes of  interacting with the opposite sex.  That have led to very heated debates at times but stimulating conversation to say the least.  I’ve also been experiencing my own small trials and tribulations that I wanted to elaborate on as mere conversation starters.  With these, amongst the conversations with my peer, i will be referencing the talking points in support of my agenda.  And yes, you read right, my agenda.  After all that’s the vantage point we most operate from.  There will be more conversations posted and “in the moment thoughts” regarding conversations I may have had.

 

P.s. I’m here to share my perspective from my experiences not to be judged on how many grammatical or spelling errors I may make within a post or any other judgmental thought you can drudge up, so if you are reading for that and not the content, then please see yourself to the x!!  Feel free to join in the conversation with your experiences or even your perspective based on that… i’m open.  Even more if you agree 😉

The sixteen Talk commandments (the Obvious ambiguities of Social interactions)

The Sixteen Talk commandments

(The obvious ambiguities of social interactions)

Believe it or not, this concept of understanding that is the fabric of these points came to me during a suicide prevention class.  In this class, they teach you various points to look for when a person has thoughts and one of the points was the “Invitation.”  Basically, it’s the point that someone makes to invite you into their situation to save them.  It may be the call, the text, the signs before the act of giving away their items but all in all, it’s their little obvious ambiguous way of asking for help and trying to get your attention somehow. It was this concept of “inviting” someone that got me thinking about how we all do small things obvious yet ambiguous things during interactions.  Sometimes they are clearer than others but when it comes to relationships between opposing forces there is this gray area that I hope becomes a little bit clearer after reading this!

 

  1. Deal with your daddy issues

We all have them. Rather he was there or not, Good or bad, either way, his existence left a lasting impression on your development. Regardless of how you view “men” a man was a necessary and intricate part of your very being. Find out where the disconnect is, acknowledge that one exists, and begin the healing process. There is no double standard here. Men are just as affected if not more by the presence of a strong male figure retrospectively. This man teaches them how to treat their mate and demonstrates to their daughters how they should be treated. A missing father leaves a missing piece creating a void we all try to fill with stuff.  If you had a healthy family system that consisted of a great dad, you’re in trouble too because that example has not prepared you for the man or woman you will most likely encounter.  But the trick is knowing that understanding that, and learning in it.

2.Mutually beneficial relationships

(you do for me and I do for you)

In nature, there is this thing called symbiotic and parasitic relationships.  In one, the parties work together supplying each other with the means to an end while the other uses the other as their means to their end.  Understanding people’s motives are to understand how they move.  There are very few people and honestly, I can’t say I have realistically come across any person, that doesn’t want something from you and vise versus.  It may be as simple as conversation, time, but non-the less it’s something.  Understand the laws of physics, for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction; every interaction yields a response, some positive and some negative.  The quicker you acknowledge that the better off you will be at discerning your relationships and saving yourself from wasting the time of persons that mean you no good.  Once you determine your need and theirs, the quicker you can establish the nature of your interactions and rather or not it will be worth it in the end.

  1. Men are not seekers

Know this and understand this.  Men do like a good chase but they are only chasing after the things they want.  So, if that man gives you an off the wall comment such as “I use those same hand towels at home,” game on.  He’s basically trying to figure out a way to connect with you and the only way he could was with some lame seemingly off the wall comment that would connect what you’re doing, in that moment (that makes is super personalized so there is no assuming he wasn’t talking to you) to something he does, connecting it back to him.  Of course, some do ask some legitimate questions but you must be smart enough to discern that with his body language (I’ll get into that another time).

  1. A man picks a woman

I know that’s a hard pill to swallow and however, you term or classify the man in your relationship, they pick you!  If they don’t then you’re not the one. Men are more inclined to take value, ownership, care, and be more considerate of the things they have chosen. They are basic so it doesn’t take much to get their attention and keep it if you’re what they like. Once he has done that it then becomes his duty to whoa the lady into submission and most will do this without hesitation and by any means necessary.  It’s like putting upgrades on his car. If you make suggestions and tell him and or he feels as if he was forced into some aspects, you best believe it won’t take long before he’s trading you in for the version of his chosen. You were never the commodity but an amenity. Even if he doesn’t choose you initially before it’s said and done he will essentially, in the end, make the final choice to choose to stay or go.

  1. Taking people for granted

STOP!!!! If you are in a relationship with a significant other that you care for and respect in any regards, stop taking them for granted period point blank. Stop doing things to them because they let you.  Stop assuming they will always be there.  Everyone has a limit and everyone eventually gets there.  Do you want the demise of your relationship to be left in the fate of your own ego?

  1. People are who they show you they are

There’s something in psychology that eludes to a front-stage self and a back-stage self or a person’s representative.  These are concepts meaning that people act differently according to the place, time, and person involved, although I am not totally disagreeing with that, I am disagreeing that those early warning signs aren’t present well enough in advance to save you unnecessary issues if you know what you’re looking for.  If you met them and they looked dirty (outside of obvious reasons, they work a dirty job or homeless) then they are dirty!  If they weren’t opening doors when you met them, they probably won’t magically start opening them just because they met you.  If he/she is dressed in the full nine at the grocery store more than likely that’s how they dress every day all the time same as if they are frumpy.  So, if you’ve seen these things and you continued in the forward directions then it would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for disappointment if these are requirements or standards you have but your mate does not.

  1. Do not accommodate or sacrifice

For me, my operational definition of accommodations and sacrificing in life equates to me giving up a part of me totally solely for the benefit of someone or something other than myself.  NO, NO, NO!!  If you do that you are headed for destruction, you hadn’t had a chance when you left out of the gate.  All those roads lead to resentment and eventually, you despise the other person, to no fault of their own.  Think about after years of dedications and commitment you slowly chip away at yourself to increase the comfort of your mate until you have nothing of yourself left and you look in the mirror and you no longer no the person staring back at you.  Find someone that is worth compromising for where you and they can meet in the middle and find a happy medium where both parties agree that the decision is solely based off the betterment of all parties involved in the situation and everyone will win, even if you don’t agree.

  1. Men and woman aren’t different

We all have feelings, don’t like to be hurt, and try not to be vulnerable at any cost. But when we find our helpmate we both let our guards down, have the innate desire to ensure our mate is happy because their happiness is ours, and yes, we will make the necessary compromises for the right person because we understand that the success of our relationship depends on this and is worth to us. The fear of rejection is just as great and deafening on either side and in the end, we both just want our mate to be supportive, encouraging, and demonstrate unconditional love towards us and that equates to accepting us the way we are.

  1. Respect is reciprocal, not rhetorical

The most sought out after the foundation of progress is respect.  Everyone has their line drawn in the sand regarding everything; politics, sex, religion, child rearing, down to colors.  Acknowledge that, respect that, and allow them to have their own opinions about ideal’s and respectfully disagree.  I found that the issue most people have is that “I have my opinion” and although you have yours “yours doesn’t matter.  We all have to be and need to be cognizant of the fact that the world is made up of millions of people, therefore, millions of opinions.  My dad once told me “an opinion is like an asshole; everyone has one” and much like assholes some opinions may be full of shit.  Part of our responsibility to ourselves and the progression of society is to be aware of that and just as understanding.

 

  1. Be Demanding

Yes, I said it! Be demanding in your life.  Let people know up front what you want out of your relationship’s (not just romantically).  If you have those discussions early on and you are entertaining persons that are subpar, well you have kind of set yourself up for the okie doke.  You shouldn’t apply for the job you don’t want just to get in the door (you may get stuck there) and it sends a message that you feel that’s all you can do at this point.  Shoot for the stars and even if you miss, it sends the message that you have ambition and you want more even if you can’t have it now.  If you desire to be married or have kids, who want to look up five years later in a relationship and realize their mate never had any intentions on getting married nor did they desire to have kids.  Have these discussions early on, that way you know everyone is on the same page.  For goodness sake, just because you talk about wanting to get married early on doesn’t mean you’re saying you want to marry that dude you just met tonight! But it would be comforting to know if you all have the same end game.

  1. Introduce yourself to your alter ego

We all have one. That person or entity that possesses all the qualities we are enamored by and long to be and desperately wish to ascertain in certain situations in our life.  Have you ever wondered why those childhood comic books were able to reel us in and for many continue to keep us captivated into early and late adulthood?  Some may argue that “once an adult it’s time put away those childish things away” but for reason, we just can’t!  I think the reason is, those comic book heroes are very much a representative of ourselves and all things we desire to be.  Introduce yourself to your own, figure out why that thing is so captivating to you, and start living it.  No, I don’t mean start dressing, eating, sleeping, as your alter ego but start embodying those characteristics that make that “thing” so intoxicating.  I assure you once you start living it you will start feeling it and others feel it in your body language as well.

  1. Platanomy doesn’t exist

Men and women exist to procreate period! The sooner you recognize our sole purpose the sooner you can eradicate that ancient ideology of platonomy.  You must know and understand that it only exists because one member of the opposing party for whatever reason has no interest in the other party thereby indirectly creating the platonic relationship.  So, girls and boys, rather you like girls or boys, know that they like you and they are interacting with you solely on the basis that they like you.  Now rather or not those feelings are out-right reciprocated is left to be determined by the individual with the upper hand.  So, if your man/woman has a bestie of the opposing sexually interested party rest assured they were left in the friend zone, not by their own accord.  Now don’t go out there, blaming and accusing your mate of cheating or projecting your insecurities about your relationship or yourself on them because of this, but understand if they respect your relationship and they have made it undeniably clear where they stand, these relationships should not become problematic.

  1. The difference between knowing your value vs being validated

I’m a member of a certain facebook group that showcases men on your feed in record numbers daily.  It was amusing for a time but then I began to notice a theme, one much like the one woman has been plagued with for a lifetime.  Men, thousands of them, begging socially anonymous women for likes, hellos, and birthday wishes.  Teasing and coaxing them with more if they liked, poked, or waved.  That’s when I realized that as superficially attractive these men where they were desperately seeking validation just like women do.  Do you know how difficult it is to take a selfie let alone a candid or the new terminology is plandid?  I’ve tried.  That shit is hard.  These people look like they have camera crews around them 24-7 catching them right at the right moment with full body shots, perfect hair, and smiles cascading down your feed.  I mean these are some damn good-looking people but unfortunately, our self-worth has been trivialized down to a “like.”  Then I thought where is the value in that?  If you something has value it means something not only to others but more importantly to self.  The person to whom the item is of value.  If we looked at ourselves with that same level of admiration and internalized that validation into value we wouldn’t need to be validated.  Appreciate you!

  1. Be able to argue

What is a conversation but the meeting of the minds after a good ol’ fashion rhetorical debate!  Please understand the quickest way to kill a relationship and end up in Quitsville is not being able to argue.  Arguing is healthy whereas I’d be more concerned with the partner that was always agreeing.  Keep your head in the game.  Nothing shows your mate that your more closed off, not willing to compromise, and don’t care then a person that checks out during an argument.  However, you do it, just don’t do it.  Don’t hang up, don’t walk away, don’t check out, and the worse of the worse don’t give in.  Challenge your mates thought process but in the process, be open to new ideas yourself.  Review what active listening and attending skills are and how they influence the outcome of just about every situation.  An argument brims from a misunderstanding and the other persons incapacity to see past their mate to see the character flaw in themselves.  After all a complaint is simply a reminder of our in inadequacies to fulfill the needs of someone else but we’re to self-absorbed to see that?  Instead take this as an opportunity to grow and develop yourself into a better you for them or perhaps the next.

  1. Stop complaining

Once you enter into an agreement typically all the terms are discussed and agreed upon by both parties before the ink dries.  Once the contract is reviewed and the expectations of each party has been identified in retrospect to their position within the agreement and a clause is added the allows each person to vacate or abandon the agreed upon contract if either party fails to fulfill their obligations; that finishes the deal.  Now I’m not a contract lawyer and I’m sure there are a lot of “and/ors” within the agreements as well as “thous and shalts,” the point is most of us go into relationships knowing before hand what we are getting, so in the event you knowingly date someone with insecurities, a wondering eye, or sticky hands, you can’t very well complain once they project these deficits or direct their misguided judgments onto you or pour this misfortune into your relationship.  Now I’m not saying you can’t get out of it or that you have to stay in it but I am saying however if you know in advance or even find out during the process and you choose to stay, you have given up your god given right to complain to them about anything they are doing that they’ve been doing since day one.  I mean really who’s the bigger idiot?  The idiot that marries the idiot knowing that he/she was an idiot before they said “I do,” or the idiot they married?

grade A fucking #1 Dad

In celebration of Fathers Day!!!

 

How else can I address the man that does more than play the part

Grade A fucking #1 dad because that’s what you are

You make sure everyone knows it too; for that you get the golden star

you’re there when she needs you, always, rather it’s near or from a far

you provide her with nourishment, clothes, and shelter that far surpasses what’s sub-par 

you meet her every need rather it’s domestic or abroad 

when she would cry out at night and needed comforting 

there you were at 4 AM answering the call without even questioning  

remember when she had that asthma attack she was wheezing, had shortness of breath 

I’ll never forget that look in your face as you held your hand a-top her chest

 I remember when they called you from school because she got sick from something she ate 

you told your next client that you couldn’t make it or else if you came you’d be really really late 

I remember when I couldn’t make it to her dance recital you said don’t worry about it 

you managed to make it there with no problem and let me know you got it 

you worked really hard for five Christmases straight because you knew I forgot about it

Now all she talks about is that bike you bought and begs me to learn how to ride it 

Oh-oh  wait remember how you fretted about her allergy to tree nuts and all other sorts of contaminants 

you purchased her EpiPen’s despite the cost with assurance,

you’d do whatever it takes with little to no consequence 

I remember the day I got pregnant with her,

I was put on bed rest, had to leave my job, but still had bills to pay 

I remember you opening up your three-bedroom house and with you,

you insisted we stay 

I remember the day you called me and was like I did something good today 

I got approved for disability and you have to hurry up downtown,

A check a month they should pay 

116 dollars a month, not a week,

I tried hard not to laugh in her face 

I have to add this to my taxable income

putting my salary in a higher taxable place, no fucking way 

I don’t ever have to remind you to come and get her 

you actually get upset,

because spending time with her is what you live for with even more time to spare

you wouldn’t dream of dropping her off early or with someone other than you, that

no you wouldn’t dare 

because that’s not what Grade A fucking #1 dads do 

why are you looking at me like that while I’m paying homage to you?

oh I get it,

it’s because I’m the Grade A fucking #1 dad and that’s all that shit that I DO! 

 

1-12-17

commandment #7 People are who they show you they are……..

There’s something in psychology, i think, that eludes to a front-stage self and a back-stage self or a person’s representative. These are concepts meaning that people act differently according to the place, time, and person involved, although I am not totally disagreeing with that, I am disagreeing that those early warning signs aren’t present well enough in advance to save you unnecessary issues if you know what you’re looking for. If you met them and they looked dirty (outside of obvious reasons, they work a dirty job or homeless) then they are dirty! If they weren’t opening doors when you met them, they probably won’t magically start opening them just because they met you. If he/she is dressed in the full nine at the grocery store more than likely that’s how they dress every day all the time same as if they are frumpy. So, if you’ve seen these things and you continued in the forward direction than it would be in your best interest to prepare yourself for disappointment if these are requirements or standards you have but your mate does not.

1. deal with your Daddy issues

Let’s talk!  First in a series entitled the Obvious ambiguities of Social interactions; T-talks commandments………….

We all have them. Rather he was there or not, Good or bad, either way, his existence left a lasting impression on your development. Regardless of how you view “men” a man was a necessary and intricate part of your very being. Find out where the disconnect is, acknowledge that one exists, and begin the healing process. There is no double standard here. Men are just as affected if not more by the presence of a strong male figure retrospectively. This man teaches them how to treat their mate and demonstrates to their daughters how they should be treated. A missing father leaves a missing piece creating a void we all try to fill with stuff. If you had a healthy family system that consisted of a great dad, you’re in trouble too because that example has not prepared you for the man or woman you will most likely encounter. But the trick is knowing that understanding that, and learning in it.

split Second

Split second

“Muthafucka see what you made me do!

I didn’t want to do this, this did not have to happen!!!

Simone was visibly shaken up; pacing back and forth in the cement hallway of her apartment atrium.  She had tears in her eyes, hate in her heart, and a kitchen knife in her hand.

“They are all dead.” She gasped frantically to herself with a deep breathe. Her response was more like a question that answered itself type of deal. She knew they were dead. She could look at them and tell they were dead.  But she still had to ask herself to be sure that what just happened indeed just happened. She Stabbed them; wildly, the both of them, repeatedly; bloody and lifeless, at her feet, but she couldn’t wrap her head around what happened just that fast to make her snap but it was too late what was done was done.

 Earlier that day started off like any other day for Simone. She awoke and got ready for work.  Woke her girls and prepared them for their day as well. She had no clue it would end the way it did.

“Peanut, wakey, wakey, green eggs and bakey,” she whispered close to her youngest ears as she gently tickled her to arise.  Her eldest was already up and going through the motions of their well oiled morning routine. 

Everyone took a toll in the restroom and while Cricket was taking her turn, Simone was wrestling with Peanut.

“Cricket you got your bag ready for your dads this weekend?”

Simone asked.

“I don’t want to go. I have a meet on Saturday and I know he’s not gonna take me.” Cricket snapped back in her pre-pubescent way.

“Well you know you are gonna have to be one to tell him that. Otherwise, he’ll think it’s my doing. You know how he does.” Simone cracked back.

The morning progressed, everyone got out the door to school and work without a hitch. Simone went to work like any other day; checked a couple emails, read a document or two, and engaged in some light office banter with her office mate.

“Girl,” Simone said, “Cricket doesn’t want to go to her dads this weekend.” She took a deep breath and another sip of coffee.

Her officemate looked at her with wide eyes, “Ugh.. so what are you gonna do? You know how he does?”

“Hell, I know but what can I do?  I’m not gonna make her go if she doesn’t want to but I did tell her she has to tell him. Girl you know I’m not calling him with that mess.”

 

She knew it wasn’t going to go over well but hoped that coming from Cricket, it wouldn’t be so bad, but boy was she wrong.

 

The day quickly ended and Simone rushed home to meet her girls.

 

“Girls you know what to do; chores, homework, snack, and Cricket don’t forget to call your dad.”  She didn’t want to take the chance of him arriving and Cricket having to face him with her decision and his wrath. All decisions with him were much better dealt with from afar and she knew that they both did. Cricket picked up her mom’s cell phone and proceeded to make the call. Simone was within earshot but didn’t hover as to let Cricket have a bit of privacy.

 

The call was made.

 

Simone’s stomach sank and she developed a knot right in its pit and braced herself for the backlash of this call and sure enough, like a terminal force wind the situation down spiraled faster then Simone could brace herself for impact. She intensely listened to Cricket plead her case and when she knew she wasn’t getting anywhere she knew she had to intervene.

 

“Hello,” Simone said stern yet calm.

 

“Bitch, you trying to keep my daughter from me. You skanky foul pussy smelling slut.  I told yo ass to stop playing with me hoe!” The voice on the other end shrilled words Simone was too familiar with but still grated her senses like nails on a chalkboard.

 

“She said she didn’t want to come Earl.” Simone spoke those words as calmly and as quickly as possible. Just enough for him to get the message and hang up before he could start in again.

 

Simone had been going through this for years. Name calling, threats, verbal and emotional abuse; mental torture.  She had taken out protective orders, went to court, called the police and even had been seen before several judges to put an end to his lunacy only to no avail. She only agreed to let him back in her life because her Cricket had gotten to an age where she wanted to know her father and Simone had hoped that after several years he had finally gotten over whatever demons he had that had pitted him against her.

 

See Simone and Earl had been together for three years when Cricket was born and lasted a solemn two more afterward.  He actually walked out on Simone but the relationship was long over and Simone had grown numb to his abuse, but that time she decided she wasn’t going to let him back in, and she didn’t.  Earl’s abuse and intimidation continued for several years after but from a distance.  He would be active in Crickets life only at the expense of Simone’s sanity.  She would move and Earl would find her and the cycle just continued.  He would come around physically a couple of time to give Cricket lavish birthday and holiday gifts and snoop in Simone’s love life.  If it wasn’t what he wanted to hear then he would go off in a rage, attack Simone anyway he could then disappear.  He only seemed to be satisfied if when Simone was alone. 

 

But that wasn’t the end he called back several more times and sent threatening text messages.  Simone ignored them but every vibration every chirp and flash or her phone simply re-victimized her and reminded her of what she had been trying so long to escape. She put her phone on silent tucked it away; out of sight out of mind. 

 

She saw the pain in Cricket’s eyes for it was her own reflection. She walked over to her, gently put her hand on the side of cheek cupped the back of her head and gently kissed her on the forehead. Cricket knew her mother’s pain as she had seen the wells of her eyes fill to brim on many nights much like this one but never run over, as she turned and ran her hand down her arm and cupped Cricket’s hand. She walked downstairs.  Her solitude was her only refuge at times like this.  She had to be strong always for her girls, always.  It was quickly interrupted with a banging at the door. It startled her to pieces as she already knew who it was. 

 

“Who is it?” She wanted it to be anyone but him.

 

“Open the door, Simone,” he sounded calmer then Simone expected but Simone knew better. He was sick, mentally sick, that’s what he does. 

 

She stood in front the door hesitant, she didn’t want to call the police she just wanted him to get help or go away but that wasn’t gonna happen. Simone knew that if she talked to him sweetly and make him think he was in control she could calm him down, she had done that before and that’s all she wanted to do now. He was starting to cause a commotion at her door with her children inside and calling the police may set him off even more.

 

” Earl,” Simone said through the door, “You need to leave.”

 

“Open the door you slut ass bitch.  You got my daughter in there while you sucking whoever’s dick. Open the door bitch!”

 

Simone’s hesitance gave him just enough time to switch into overload.  There was o stopping him now. Simone was in a zone now. A complete state of disbelief, a fog. She went there a lot when interacting with him. It was her safe place. The berating had gone on for about 45 seconds which is forever when time stops, but for Simone, it seemed like hours!  She snapped out of it, to the sound of Peanuts voice in the distance crying, frantic, and afraid.  She had already opened the door. He had gotten loud enough to alarm her kids of what was going on.  A maylay had ensued.  Earl was in full attack.  Cricket, by this time, had descended downstairs.  She was shielding Peanut from the flying debris that Simone hadn’t even realized had begun to get slung about! Everything moved in slow motion and Simone was catatonic with only her hands around his hands that were around her throat. Her gasp took minutes but with every gasping breath, she saw flashes like flash focus photography, the type that bombards celebrities on the red carpet, as she slammed into the ground. On her way down she saw Peanut, she blinked,  flash, she saw Cricket, blink, flash, and then she saw Earl, slow motion, blink, flash.

 

Everything had gotten back up to speed now when she hit the ground.  Earl was on top of her, his eyes bulging, face contorted, lips pressed tightly with the occasional sight of his teeth with the slight overcast by his grimace expression. He looked like a demon.  He was shaking and the veins in his neck were protruding. He was enjoying this to a certain extinct but Simone could see the pain in his eyes. He was hurting and he didn’t know why nor did she know why he chose to direct his hurt onto her.

 

Gasp “Earl,” she sputtered she slipped her hands scratched at his eyes and the skin on face “Earl,” she sputtered again through gasp. 

 

“Get off of me,” “Earl,” “Stop.”   She has managed to roll her body that positioned her close the Cricket’s snack plate from earlier. She was cutting cheese cubes and ham to eat with her crackers. Simone scramble for the blade. By now they were back on their feet. She had to survive by any means necessary and she needed to get Earl off of her. They stumbled towards the open door when she did it. She plunged that ordinary kitchen knife into the side of his neck. His grip didn’t loosen.  She withdrew the blade and plunged it in again. His grip loosened but her hatred tightened her grip on the knife and she plunged it in again and again. She was in rage now. She sank that blade into his body for every foul word that had ever come out of his mouth towards her, for every police report filed, for every summons, for every judge that dismissed her pleas. This was about them now and how they could have stopped this but they didn’t.  His grip had loosened and his stare dead.  She hadn’t noticed until his limp body folded out of the door into the pavement. She didn’t care.  She continued to stab. Simone was blind with fury now. She felt a touch on her arm and she turned and plunged the knife into the gut of the person who had disturbed her. It was Earls wife. She must have been in the car waiting and figured there was an issue when Earl hadn’t returned with Cricket.  She exited their vehicle and started towards Simone’s sidewalk when she got wind of the commotion and came quicker to investigate the thuds.   She wasn’t prepared for what she happened upon.  She was in just as much disbelief when she spotted Simone on her knees crouched in front of was she suspected but dreaded was Earl’s lifeless body.  That was her fatal mistake, she got it too.  Simone knew she was just as much as a victim as she had been but she, in Simone’s’ head, was just as much as a conspirator and instigator too and Simone paid her back for all the add lib she had delivered over the years.  

 

“Muthafucka see what you made me do!” she cried out.

“I didn’t want to do this, this did not have to happen!!!” she sputtered between gasp as she fell against the concrete wall of the entrance.  She cried hard but silently, she thought of Cricket and Peanut and what she had just done.  She stood sobbing with blood on her hands and hate in her heart.  It was over but only for the moment.

12-22-16

eXceptional

Exceptional

 

Did you know everything that you do is exceptional?

because everything that you do is recreational 

I can’t help that these feelings are perpetual 

but…. because for me “why” it’s not conceptual

Everything you buy is sensational 

While every time I try its replaceable

Everything you say is repeatable 

While every day I slave is unmentionable 

Don’t for a second let me forget to mention 

That when I chastise her 

I’m left with dissension

While you revel in pretension 

and I grovel for the smallest recognition 

In her eyes everything you do deserves second mention 

While I feel I stand in line transcribing for her my petition 

 

All I want to be is Exceptional 

 

Unlike you my hard work speaks of me and is reputable 

I was and I am there when you’re not 

Not because you couldn’t 

but because you replaced your being with things you bought 

I sacrificed and suffered in silence because of the things you got

I smiled a grimace grin while my insides drop

I turned the other cheek when the verbal berating didn’t stop 

I defended myself to people whom had no place 

She is our child and I am her mother

 I can’t ever be replaced 

But to you I am always second place 

 

Why can’t I be exceptional 

9-11-16